What have I done Lord?

It has been a long time since I posted anything. To be honest I had forgotten I even had this. I don't even know why I thought of it tonight, except that maybe God put it on my heart. Much to my despair part of rediscovering my blog included reading the blog about my wife being my partner. Without getting into detail, I have destroyed the beautiful gift that God has given me. I am writing this blog as a warning to all the husbands that read this. IF YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ANYTHING AGAIN, PLEASE TAKE THIS TO HEART!

Alot has transpired in the last few monthes. Blame can be thrown in so many directions it would make your head spin. But the truth is, and I'm sure I'm writing this against counsel, is that the entire situation is my fault. I knew because of the Biblical teaching that Kate and I recieved during our marriage counseling, that I had a duty, a responsibility, an order from God Himself to be the spiritual leader of my family. My entire family is now hurt, and in complete shambles because I failed. I ignored what I already knew. I not only failed to lead my family spiritually, I lead my family down the path to it's destruction. I let my weakness in my walk dictate wether my family would continue walking with the Lord. Because of this, my kids are in pain everyday. My wife has lost all faith in me, and hope in our marriage. I have let my selfishness, and my wickedness destroy my family. The specifics don't matter. It doesn't matter who's done what, or why. My point to all of you is that because of my failure in my duty as a Godly husband, everyone around me is in pain. Everyone in my life who is important to me is hurting.

Reading the blog I wrote about my incredible wife has brought me to tears. I could be angry with her for the choices she's made, and I could easily turn the situation around, like most worldly people would, and pass the blame. But if there is one good thing that has come from all of this, it's that I have been broken. And it was in this state, and with the help and advice to those around me that I reached out to God. At first, it felt like an empty action. Like words with no meaning, but over the last 24 hours or so, He has completely consumed me. Every place I turn I see God. I have put my trust in His plan for me, and for my family, and I have realized there is nothing that I can do. Yes, I'm still hurting, but I know His plan is good. Yes, my family is still broken, but He knows what He has in store for us all. If there is one thing that I can guarantee you all, if you ever find yourself in this situation, is that the world will scream at you to give up. Maybe I'm old fashioned, maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, but God commanded me to love my wife as He loved the Church. He hasn't ever told me that I've gone to far. He's never turned His back on me, and He's always forgiven me. So neither will I. So long as we both shall live.

I pray that none of you ever find yourself in this situation. Learn from my mistakes please, and cherish what you have. Lead your family the way God command us, and you will have no regrets.

Kate, I don't know if you'll ever read this. If you do, consider this a public apology. I'm sorry for leading our family astray. I'm sorry for failing at my duty as the spiritual leader of our home. I'm sorry for any hurt and pain that I have caused you to suffer. I'm sorry I wasn't the husband you thought I was, or the husband that you needed. I will never give up on us. I have forgiven you for all the hurt you've caused me, and for anything you do in the future. I will always love you unconditionally, and I will be here as you husand until I take my last breath. I love you with all my heart, and I miss you.