It has been a long time since I posted anything. To be honest I had forgotten I even had this. I don't even know why I thought of it tonight, except that maybe God put it on my heart. Much to my despair part of rediscovering my blog included reading the blog about my wife being my partner. Without getting into detail, I have destroyed the beautiful gift that God has given me. I am writing this blog as a warning to all the husbands that read this. IF YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ANYTHING AGAIN, PLEASE TAKE THIS TO HEART!
Alot has transpired in the last few monthes. Blame can be thrown in so many directions it would make your head spin. But the truth is, and I'm sure I'm writing this against counsel, is that the entire situation is my fault. I knew because of the Biblical teaching that Kate and I recieved during our marriage counseling, that I had a duty, a responsibility, an order from God Himself to be the spiritual leader of my family. My entire family is now hurt, and in complete shambles because I failed. I ignored what I already knew. I not only failed to lead my family spiritually, I lead my family down the path to it's destruction. I let my weakness in my walk dictate wether my family would continue walking with the Lord. Because of this, my kids are in pain everyday. My wife has lost all faith in me, and hope in our marriage. I have let my selfishness, and my wickedness destroy my family. The specifics don't matter. It doesn't matter who's done what, or why. My point to all of you is that because of my failure in my duty as a Godly husband, everyone around me is in pain. Everyone in my life who is important to me is hurting.
Reading the blog I wrote about my incredible wife has brought me to tears. I could be angry with her for the choices she's made, and I could easily turn the situation around, like most worldly people would, and pass the blame. But if there is one good thing that has come from all of this, it's that I have been broken. And it was in this state, and with the help and advice to those around me that I reached out to God. At first, it felt like an empty action. Like words with no meaning, but over the last 24 hours or so, He has completely consumed me. Every place I turn I see God. I have put my trust in His plan for me, and for my family, and I have realized there is nothing that I can do. Yes, I'm still hurting, but I know His plan is good. Yes, my family is still broken, but He knows what He has in store for us all. If there is one thing that I can guarantee you all, if you ever find yourself in this situation, is that the world will scream at you to give up. Maybe I'm old fashioned, maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, but God commanded me to love my wife as He loved the Church. He hasn't ever told me that I've gone to far. He's never turned His back on me, and He's always forgiven me. So neither will I. So long as we both shall live.
I pray that none of you ever find yourself in this situation. Learn from my mistakes please, and cherish what you have. Lead your family the way God command us, and you will have no regrets.
Kate, I don't know if you'll ever read this. If you do, consider this a public apology. I'm sorry for leading our family astray. I'm sorry for failing at my duty as the spiritual leader of our home. I'm sorry for any hurt and pain that I have caused you to suffer. I'm sorry I wasn't the husband you thought I was, or the husband that you needed. I will never give up on us. I have forgiven you for all the hurt you've caused me, and for anything you do in the future. I will always love you unconditionally, and I will be here as you husand until I take my last breath. I love you with all my heart, and I miss you.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tokyo
Well as some of you know we are in Japan right now. Yesterday a group of the guys I work with and I decided to take an adventure to Tokyo and see some sights. Let me just say that it didn't work out quite the way we planned. Now in most of the foreign ports I've been too, it was not that hard to find someone who spoke English. Not the case here in Japan. Either people here don't speak English, or they just didn't want to speak English to us. The first part of our adventure started on the base where we tried to figure out where to go and how much the train would cost. A very helpful Japanese worker here told us that we should go to Ropungi and that the train would cost 1000 yen there and another 1000 on the way back. For those of you who aren't familiar with the current Japanese exchange rate that's about $10 each way. So we walked to the train station where we asked an attendant how to get to Tokyo. Without saying a word he pushed a bunch of buttons on the touchscreen self serve pad and then instructed us to put money in. We than got a ticket for about $7. At this point we are ecstatic because it's cheaper than we expected. Little did we know...
Now my father informed me today that Japan's train system is supposed to be very efficient. I believe him, but I'd like to meet the person who said this because as we soon found out, it took about 4 or 5 trains to get to our destination and more and more money each time. When we finally got to Ropungi, the amazing district in Tokyo we were told about we quickly realized that this was not the tourist part of Tokyo. We tried desperately to find a Japanese restaurant, but were not to comfortable with the cleanliness of the places we found. Somehow we ended up in an Italian restaurant where we ended up paying way to much for a little tiny pizza.
So where am I going with this besides just complaining? While in this wonderful part of the city I experienced something that I would be hard pressed to find in the states. Racism against white people. Not even just white people, but Americans in general. We were not aware that there were certain places that we could not go into, or the signs that meant we were not welcome. For those of you that have never experienced this extremely uncomfortable feeling, I hope that you never do. It is a feeling of anger, disappointment, and for some reason shame. For a moment I thought, "what is wrong with me?" At the moment the anger and embarrassment was what really stood out. But looking back on it a day later, I now feel quilt. Guilt of all the times I've locked my car doors because an African American teenager was walking walking by my car. Guilt from all the times I've been uncomfortable because a Hispanic family was standing too close to me in Walmart and talking in a language that I didn't understand.
My experience in Tokyo was just the next phase of God's teaching me how sinful I really am. I have been lucky enough through a family in our Church and through a few of the guys I work with, to have been exposed to the Mexican culture. And come to find out there was actually a lot to learn. The value that Hispanic people have for their family is something we should all learn from. Or the fact that they will give their friends anything and everything they need, if they think it will help them out. Through this experience and the one I had in Tokyo, I started to doubt how I treated people of other races. I never considered myself a racist, and I still don't. But I am really doubting my following of the number one rule. Love one another. 1 John 3 comes to mind. God commanded me to love everyone. He commanded me to stand out in the crowd by loving everyone. Not to be selfish and hateful, but self-less and loving to all people. God never turned away anyone. Look at his treatment of the Samaritan woman in John 4:4-42. Jesus didn't care that other people might look down on the fact he was talking to her. He shared with her, the same message of salvation that he did with everyone else.
Chances are I'll never feel the racism that I felt in Japan anywhere in America. But it's not a feeling I will ever forget. To be honest, I can't really blame the Japanese people for being apprehensive about Americans. Imagine how you would feel if someone dropped two nuclear bombs in America and than tried to come and visit. Believe me I'm no pacifist, that would kind of make my job pointless, but it kind of makes you stop and think. I'd be interested to find out how some of you feel about this whole thing. Let me know.
Now my father informed me today that Japan's train system is supposed to be very efficient. I believe him, but I'd like to meet the person who said this because as we soon found out, it took about 4 or 5 trains to get to our destination and more and more money each time. When we finally got to Ropungi, the amazing district in Tokyo we were told about we quickly realized that this was not the tourist part of Tokyo. We tried desperately to find a Japanese restaurant, but were not to comfortable with the cleanliness of the places we found. Somehow we ended up in an Italian restaurant where we ended up paying way to much for a little tiny pizza.
So where am I going with this besides just complaining? While in this wonderful part of the city I experienced something that I would be hard pressed to find in the states. Racism against white people. Not even just white people, but Americans in general. We were not aware that there were certain places that we could not go into, or the signs that meant we were not welcome. For those of you that have never experienced this extremely uncomfortable feeling, I hope that you never do. It is a feeling of anger, disappointment, and for some reason shame. For a moment I thought, "what is wrong with me?" At the moment the anger and embarrassment was what really stood out. But looking back on it a day later, I now feel quilt. Guilt of all the times I've locked my car doors because an African American teenager was walking walking by my car. Guilt from all the times I've been uncomfortable because a Hispanic family was standing too close to me in Walmart and talking in a language that I didn't understand.
My experience in Tokyo was just the next phase of God's teaching me how sinful I really am. I have been lucky enough through a family in our Church and through a few of the guys I work with, to have been exposed to the Mexican culture. And come to find out there was actually a lot to learn. The value that Hispanic people have for their family is something we should all learn from. Or the fact that they will give their friends anything and everything they need, if they think it will help them out. Through this experience and the one I had in Tokyo, I started to doubt how I treated people of other races. I never considered myself a racist, and I still don't. But I am really doubting my following of the number one rule. Love one another. 1 John 3 comes to mind. God commanded me to love everyone. He commanded me to stand out in the crowd by loving everyone. Not to be selfish and hateful, but self-less and loving to all people. God never turned away anyone. Look at his treatment of the Samaritan woman in John 4:4-42. Jesus didn't care that other people might look down on the fact he was talking to her. He shared with her, the same message of salvation that he did with everyone else.
Chances are I'll never feel the racism that I felt in Japan anywhere in America. But it's not a feeling I will ever forget. To be honest, I can't really blame the Japanese people for being apprehensive about Americans. Imagine how you would feel if someone dropped two nuclear bombs in America and than tried to come and visit. Believe me I'm no pacifist, that would kind of make my job pointless, but it kind of makes you stop and think. I'd be interested to find out how some of you feel about this whole thing. Let me know.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
EAWS
I just wanted to update everyone on what is going on out here. I had my EAWS board today. For those of you who do not know what that is, it stands for Enlisted Aviation Warfare Specialist. Once I am pinned I will be authorized to wear my wings on my uniform and include the letters AW after my rate. It has been a huge burden lifted off my shoulders, so now I can focus on advancing to the next rank. The test in sometime in September so keep praying. For those of you that have been blessing my family and me with your prayers, I just wanted to say thank you. God continues to work in all of us.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Another Blog To Read
If you have time, I encourage you to check out my dad's blog. He is a great pastor, and an even better father. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do!
http://kenholt.wordpress.com/
http://kenholt.wordpress.com/
My Wife, My Partner
As I was lying in my rack last night, reading my Bible, it dawned on me how intelligent God truly is. I am the type of person who can not be alone. My parents have always told me stories of how I could entertain myself for hours on end as a child. That’s not the case anymore. Somewhere I stopped being able to function for myself. Alone, I am a complete mess. I would eat macaroni and cheese for every meal. I would never sleep at night and then sleep all day. I don’t even know how to put into words how hopeless I would be on my own, and I’m reminded of that everyday that we are out here.
In 2002 I met a woman in Pensacola Florida who is the exact opposite of me. She is driven, strong, and beautiful and could take on the world by herself. She is the only woman I know who could handle raising four children by herself, while her husband is on deployment. Not to mention the fact that at times her husband probably makes her feel like she has five children! My wife Kate has been many things to me. My closest confident, my drill instructor, my reality shock, my friend, the mother of my children, and as I came to realize last night, my partner. Hand picked by God because of the character traits my wife would need to live the rest of her life with me. She has to be strong, because when four kids are crying because they miss their dad it takes a strong woman to keep it together. She has to be driven, because it’s easy to lose focus when you’re overwhelmed with responsibility. Imagine being a mother, a father, a housecleaner, a chef, a gardener, a dog trainer, a pool technician, a sports coach, a counselor… Do I really need to go on or are you getting the picture. When I am gone my wife does everything. I couldn’t do it. If my wife left me with our four children for six months, I would wither into a corner and drown in self pity. But not my wife. My wife keeps me in check when I feel sorry for myself out here. She softly reminds me to keep my head on straight by her example, and when that doesn’t work she’ll slap me in the back of the head. God knew her heart long before he created her, and he knew that she would be my wife. He hand picked her to be my partner, just as he crafted Eve to be Adam’s partner, because he could not live alone.
I’m writing this because realizing the simple fact that my wife was hand crafted to be my life partner by God himself has made me cherish her that much more. No woman could ever be more perfect for me. I love my wife with all my heart and soul, and I love God like a child who has been given the perfect gift. He made her for me, and I can never pay back that debt. I miss her so much, but I know that my home is in very capable hands, and that if my wife ever doesn’t know the answer, God does. It is hard to be out to sea, away from your family and friends. It pales in comparison to the job my wife has. Thank you Kate for everything you are to me. Thank you for loving me, regardless of my faults. Thank you for being my homeport, my lighthouse to guide me back when I drift off. Thank you for being an incredible mother to my children and thank you for being my partner.
In 2002 I met a woman in Pensacola Florida who is the exact opposite of me. She is driven, strong, and beautiful and could take on the world by herself. She is the only woman I know who could handle raising four children by herself, while her husband is on deployment. Not to mention the fact that at times her husband probably makes her feel like she has five children! My wife Kate has been many things to me. My closest confident, my drill instructor, my reality shock, my friend, the mother of my children, and as I came to realize last night, my partner. Hand picked by God because of the character traits my wife would need to live the rest of her life with me. She has to be strong, because when four kids are crying because they miss their dad it takes a strong woman to keep it together. She has to be driven, because it’s easy to lose focus when you’re overwhelmed with responsibility. Imagine being a mother, a father, a housecleaner, a chef, a gardener, a dog trainer, a pool technician, a sports coach, a counselor… Do I really need to go on or are you getting the picture. When I am gone my wife does everything. I couldn’t do it. If my wife left me with our four children for six months, I would wither into a corner and drown in self pity. But not my wife. My wife keeps me in check when I feel sorry for myself out here. She softly reminds me to keep my head on straight by her example, and when that doesn’t work she’ll slap me in the back of the head. God knew her heart long before he created her, and he knew that she would be my wife. He hand picked her to be my partner, just as he crafted Eve to be Adam’s partner, because he could not live alone.
I’m writing this because realizing the simple fact that my wife was hand crafted to be my life partner by God himself has made me cherish her that much more. No woman could ever be more perfect for me. I love my wife with all my heart and soul, and I love God like a child who has been given the perfect gift. He made her for me, and I can never pay back that debt. I miss her so much, but I know that my home is in very capable hands, and that if my wife ever doesn’t know the answer, God does. It is hard to be out to sea, away from your family and friends. It pales in comparison to the job my wife has. Thank you Kate for everything you are to me. Thank you for loving me, regardless of my faults. Thank you for being my homeport, my lighthouse to guide me back when I drift off. Thank you for being an incredible mother to my children and thank you for being my partner.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Christ. The perfect leader.
Have you ever tried to teach someone something and they just weren't getting it? I have. In fact I've been doing it for the last three weeks, and yesterday I found myself at the end of my rope. You see as the day shift supervisor of my Ordnance shop, I have found myself in a position that I've never been in before. I have seven brand new people who have never loaded ordnance on airplanes in their life, and I'm stuck teaching them how to do it in one of the most dangerous environments possible. Some of them are picking it up faster than I had expected and some are making consistent progress. Still, others are stagnant in their development of skills that seem so easy to me. It all culminated yesterday when one of these individuals made me so angry that I snapped and yelled at them. Not exactly the best display of Christianity. I felt horrible afterwards, and I've been praying and praying that God would help be learn patience. This morning, as I stood on the bow of this great ship collecting my thoughts before we started our day I realized how much my walk with Christ is like these kids that just aren't getting it, and how God is my supervisor. He is constantly teaching me and showing me the right way to live. He gives me resources beyond imagine, where I can find the answers to just about anything. Yet somehow I manage to mess up on a regular basis. God has never yelled at me. He has ever screamed in frustration and told me that he gives up on me. He just understands and helps me get back on track. As I'm writing this another similarity dawned on me. It seems like whenever one of my guys gets in trouble, I end up getting yelled at. I'm the one in the hot seat. But that's my job. To cushion the blow of the mistake so that my personnel won't become discouraged. How amazing is it that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice, and gave his life so that we could still achieve the ultimate position of being in heaven with God someday. How discouraging would it be to know that we are sinners and could never make it to heaven, had Jesus not given his life in our place. It's pretty humbling to a leader to realize the standard that God has set for us. What better example than Christ himself. More to follow as my random thoughts continue....
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